Look at me. Look at where I sit now.
Looking at me like nothing happened.
But something did happen. I doubted my ability to be in this exact room, this exact seat. The seat housed in an institution that looked too prestigious, too intelligent for a girl like myself. Too expensive for a family like mine.
I remember standing outside the admissions office. Nervously waiting to see if I could attend this place. If our family would be able to swing this one last time. Even then you knew this was meant to be. Even then.
My faith was weak then, but I still gave you my mustard seed.
I felt that the enemy had taken everything from me up until now.
My school. My best friend. My friends. My sport. My team.
My peace. My joy. My confidence.
My bed had become my fortress, protecting better than you had. My boyfriend became my source of intimacy, holding better than you could ever. My sport became my peace and confidence, fulfilling more than you were.
I was so angry when they demanded I leave my fortress of sheets. I was so hurt when he stopped holding me. I was so devastated when my body could no longer facilitated my source of peace and confidence.
I stood with shaking limbs and a hard heart. Anger and frustration had solidified my once malleable blood-distributing organ. Where were you God? Why was your voice muted? Why were your hands paralyzed?
Now I see you were the one who moved them to the side. Removing the false anchorings of my life.
Just because the deaf speak with silent hands does not mean they do not speak.
Why would you do this for me? Why would you want to touch skin like mine? Rough and full of bitter salts. Why would you want to love me?
Why aren’t you looking at who I am? Why do you keep looking at who I will be?
God I don’t deserve your love.
But you laugh your little chuckle and unfold your hands. Revealing all the promises you said were mine from the beginning. A love that held better than any mans. A peace that surpassed understanding. A joy that was everlasting.
And despite me, here I sit. In this room. In this exact seat. In this institution that I didn’t deserve.